i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
