I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
