Umm I'm too high to move.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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