so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
