i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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