this beer tastes like vomit already
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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