There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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