I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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