You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
