she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
