I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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