There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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