Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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