My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
