So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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