So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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