I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why is there bacon in the couch?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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