Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
