Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
