Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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