On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
