I wish you could order shots online.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
