I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
