I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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