life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hippo gnu deer
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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