she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need to align my fucking chakras
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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