There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
