Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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