Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
