Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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