I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
