you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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