i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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