I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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