I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
be right there i have to get my cape
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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