I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I am one with the molecules
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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