He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
