Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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