you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
