hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
