You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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