he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
