The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
