I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
