If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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