"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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