I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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