You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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