you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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