Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
