I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
