I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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