I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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