Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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