My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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