At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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