I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
